leaving

i know if i was prettier, but the rest of me was the same, he would like me.

if i was only just a bit prettier.

it's so frustrating knowing i did all i could do and it could never be enough.

just inches away and miles from him. miles and miles of stupidity and ugliness.

i go home in 10 hours. my stomach hurts. if he avoids me this last day, too, all i can do is sob.
I've got a feeling he conveniently won't be around.

i go home to a total of 4 friends. two of which aren't close friends.

gonna be lonely as hail.

hungry

sometimes i marvel at what a sick joke life can be.

oh well.

a lot of my friends will be gone by tonight. i'll be here until friday, waiting to go home to where i also don't belong. but i belong slightly better in california, because there i at least know what to expect.

here is just a flurry of cycles and lame.

typical

So you threw yourself at cody yet again, last night, mormon style. classy

pile of vomit

"The Fire" (Papa Roach)
Every time I see him with her, I want to run a mile. When she lays her head on him or touches his shoulder, holds his elbow, a mile, a mile, a mile. I figure that by the end of every night I have a queue of 50 miles and a gallon of tears. I want to run those miles and cry those tears and collapse and fold into a ditch far away, dehydrated and stupid. Smiling is like crying. Laughing is like running. I’m no longer sure that him liking someone other than me is better than him just being "not interested." Him with her means I almost don’t exist. Oh, because dying sounds better than this! Anything sounds better than being me when I am not her!

oh the doodlebanger

Late at night, I find myself quite tired.

grades:
Chem 107: 89.88%

Bio 100: 88%
Chem 106: 76%
RelA122: 96%
Student Development: like 90%
ASL100: Like 0%

I am ashamed. Guess I'm good for nothing, much? finals started today. ughses.
the epitome of low is a recently rejected girl starting to very much miss the person she should not miss to such a degree. Desperation and loneliness is not attractive, sanneee-chan!

UGH. eff sans le copain--- SOUFFLE!
(angry rant)

BUSH the BAND is the BEST. LISTEN TO THEM PLEASE. IT WOULD CAUSE ME GREAT JOY TO KNOW THERE ARE OTHERS WHO ENJOY GRUNGING IN THE GRUNGE.

eff you all!!!! GOSH DANG THE SLEEPNESSLIES

Brand new day

Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-Long Blog. <-- WATCH IT!!! Do you know my 3 favorite movies? bands? tv shows? colors?

only my sister knows that much about me (which is kind of sad, considering that isn't much to know about a person) and much more. I miss my little sister. I think she's the only person I'll enjoy seeing when I come home, besides Thyme, Jase, Brent, Chess, Kels, and Eve. And in all honesty, I won't see much of them. I think I am a lot more popular in college than I ever was in California. I don't want to stay here, but I don't exactly want to go home. ahh effff that! of course I want to go home! Kelley and Cody both get along exceptionally with their little brothers. But Alice and I fight all the time. I always say I'll try harder to get along. Maybe she's matured a bit. Hopefully I have...I hope so, because it seems she'll be my only friend for a while.

oh, i hope nat and kelley and cody write me. I'll go crazy if they don't.

shining

"DREAMIN' " (WEEZER) <--- LISTEN TO IT!!! :] Today was a sunny day. As I walked home I observed my Wyviewical surroundings. There were volleyball games going on with 14 people on each side. Basketball courts with no room to bounce the ball, so filled they were with people.

i sat, thinking. in my apartment....

^ "when is the last time i shaved my legs?" i pondered this question for a short while and decided i didn't care..

"this is how a heart breaks" (rob thomas)

Ever since I've become entirely single, there are a lot of things I've decided i don't care about. It is quite lame. Admittedly freeing, but I miss pining after Cody. Not excessively, but a little bit. "jessie's girl" (rick springfield)

Anyway, i went outside in questionably-lengthed shorts and began studying (rays of sun, soak into my cells!!!) it didn't work well. first of all, i was soon joined by my friends. second, my visiting teachers showed up and taught me a lesson about pioneers and amputated toes. thirdly, since when do i study?

For the talent show, Bradd, Cody, and Travis are planning on doing a skit involving song titles. I am worried. Any two of those boys together present an unmanageable duo. all three at once?? they might take down half the ward with them. -_-;

Natalie is singing something. Kelley is playing the piano. Sharon is singing something ................I don't think i will do anything. (evil laugh)
They also expect us to cry at this closing social, but i think i completed my crying quota for the semester on Sunday night after that DTR thing -yawns-

now my roommates are all dancing to tunak tunak.......better go join them

swear, all my friends are certifiable insane.

sans le copain

"let's be friends" (suburban legends)
.....no sleep....
"hold me" (weezer)

If you are me, you look in the mirror, getting ready and your eyes aren't even puffy. Because you apparently can't even cry correctly anymore. People expect you to be happy! Run to class to take an exam. In your ears, you blast Lit, Weezer, and Badly Drawn Boy because that is what you always do in these situations. And then meet with your friends. And then your other friends.

"I'm gonna be" (the proclaimers)

My very last day of Chem 106! I've decided that ice cream is the only thing that can truly remedy a bad day. Vanilla is reserved for particularly horrible days. At the last moment, I decide to get not just vanilla, but chocolate, too!. I don't even know what chocolate represents....the state of being utterly pathetic?

"Silent Sigh" (Badly Drawn Boy)

I go home and take a nice long shower, and then a nice long nap, and all I dream about is him. and I hate myself for that.

Anyway, right now my whole apartment smells like brownies. I enjoy the smell of them considerably more than i do the taste of them. Unless they are the chocolate chunk kind, in which case they are delicious!

I can't wait to go home. To get away from the festival of lame!

With proper luck, maybe never have to deal with him again.

(and then invites codes over for brownies)

oh, sani-chan

i can't stay mad at him..

Handling

Have you ever just had the urge to cut off all your fingers? I don't mean like really do it, but you just think of all the people you've held hands with and then think of how their fingers touched yours and you don't want those memories anymore? Maybe you don't get it, but that's how I feel. I think back on all the friends I had when I was little, all the little kids I helped cross the street, my cousins, my parents, my siblings, my friends when crying, and the boys who liked me and I didn't like them, and the boys I liked who didn't like me. It's too many people. To count on my fingers all the people, I just want to stick my hands in 50M H2SO4. It feels like they aren't anything special, because when you really think about it, they aren't. 'Don't look back in anger' (oasis)

You can make anything into "nothing". You can make "nothing" into anything. So is it so much to want something to become "something" ? Shouldn't it work both ways? Shouldn't it be possible for just once have things actually be what you think they are!! '

Well on Monday I got to see MUSE in concert! It was pretty much the greatest thing ever, since I got to go with Cody, who always ensures that I will not be the most foolish person there. It's pretty fun to hang out with someone who isn't afraid to show how juiced they are about something. He took tons of photos. He held me. He held my hand. I thought it meant something. of course it didn't... (facepalm)

Have you ever had one of those days where you walk by friends and wave but they don't see you, or you call someone's name and they don't hear you? Yesterday was a bit like that. There were some people like Bradd and Ty who always make a point to say hello, but I kind of felt invisible all day. Kelleymade delicious pizza, and Travis, Bradd, Comb, Cody, and Kenny came to have some.

I must just be feeling emo. I feel emo. "united states of whatever" (some guy)
Like everytime I tried to make conversation, no one would listen to me. I get afraid for other people. I try and make an effort to comment on the mundane side-conversations that get drowned out by the group so people don't feel invisible. It's difficult to upkeep, though.


My mom hasn't talked to me in about a month except for when I call her to ask her something. Whenever the conversation strays to how my life is going, she finds some excuse to almost immediately hang up. And I don't know, I could pretend that it doesn't bother me. But it's gotten to the point where I email her nearly every day this week and I still get no replies. I'm not surprised, this is my family after all. Each time I write, though, I get more outlandish, and even outright ridiculous. I sent her this picture of me and cody where it looks like we're totes together. These photos should pique her interest, concern her, cause her to email me back, write me, call me, anything. I'm tired of lying, in attempts to get her to talk to me. Is it okay for this stuff to cause me to really feel alone and eat too much chocolate?

'fake tales of san francisco' (arctic monkeys)

Maybe I do need to get a real boyfriend.

I need to find somebody who is actually in accordance with my music tastes. I mean, I like other people's music and all, and I really enjoy listening to different things. But there are certain things I particularly like. Muse, for example, and like emo punk. Basically, I listen to utter crap, and I want to find someone who finally won't make fun of what I like. Kat is pretty close, when I think about it. But i can't exactly date a woman.
I think that if I found a guy that I could admit I really don't mind Fallout Boy, he'd go
"that's pretty legit"
and then I'd be like
"The Academy Is... is my second favorite band, I love the academy is.."
him: I LOVE THE ACADEMY IS, IT'S THE SISKY BUSINESS!

me: Incubus is still my 3rd favorite band

him: I don't know, I think Jack Johnson is slightly better than incubus

me: BUT ONLY ON CERTAIN DAYS!!

him: I KNOW, RIGHT??

see, that's my dream come true. But it would be weird, i guess.
Maybe the heart of the matter is....I just don't think Rush is all that amazing.