Muse

I will NEVER cease to be amazed at my ability to get nothing accomplished. Seriously, I came to the apartment for 2 hours and did nothing but take a shower, listen to genesis and muse, and try to figure out whether the dudes who write mormonbachelorpad are old or not. That is shameful. I should have at least pretended to study ASL. Another in-class exam tomorrow and I've been seriously contemplating cutting class today. Shameful. Just like it was shameful of me to listen to the LizzieMcGuire Movie Soundtrack whilst drawing because I was sad about the boy I'm always crazy about. On one end, I'm passing all my classes, on the other, only two of them are with an 'A' .. I've always found it hard to find inspiration in anything other than art or writing. Girls like me end up just married. At like, 19. "the resistance" (muse) I guess that's alright for some people, but I swear half the girls in my freshmen ward are engaged, and each week another one stands up in relief society and describes their fiance's elaborate scheme to get the ring upon their finger. I feel a bit un-mormon in thinking of nothing other than the MUSE concert in 7 days.

"invisible touch" (genesis) I mean, even fantasizing about being married to my man-friend. is utterly outlandish. I drive Kelley, Jane, and Nat to tears with my never-ending supply of nothing stories of suggestive texts or a wink sent to me from my man-friend. I drive myself crazy.

It's starting to get all warm again. And even then, this weather is considered cold back home. I don't want to go to class. I want to sleep on the grass, in the moderate sun, away from all those Obama haters on campus. Codes is the only one here who even vaguely feels the same way about politics as I do. The only reason we aren't exactly in accordance is because I don't really bother to get involved in such matters. Near all the kids here sound like my father and/or rush limbaugh. ugh ugh ugh. sigh sigh. Well that's what you get for being a fence-sitter in a place where only one viewpoint is presented - impatience. At least the bay area had the other kind of 'crazy' which i found easier to take.

Well, i guess i really SHOULD go to class. Oh muse muse muse. I promised colin i wouldn't go back on my word, but yesterday, Michelle (my visiting teacher) came over, saw my new drawing of muse, and freaked out because she LOVES MUSE AND CANT BELIEVE I DO TOO and then was major bummed cause she couldnt afford tickets. I swear, i wanted to take her with me so badly, so i could just stand at the concert and scream for 2 hours, and not feel girlish because [based on her enthusiasm] she would scream much louder. "sober" (muse).. i wish she could go too. Maybe i could give one ticket to each of them and not go myself. ... um but what would be the point, then? IT'S MUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 171 hours... :D :D :D :D :D

save the date!

"win a date" (suburban legends) It's date night tonight and I've got nowhere to go! I may continue working on my MUSE drawing. Nat says I am obsessed, and maybe I am! So excited I've begun to dream about the concert in detail.

"winter wonderland" (tony bennett) Is it okay to listen to Christmas songs in March? It snowed today, but only a little..
that's logan last month---->

Also, why is it always easier to sleep in the middle of the day? I need to move to Spain so I can have a daily siesta and not feel like a slob when I'm always out 2-4pm (give or take an hour)
"I need you" (the wonders)... sometimes being (mostly) single is utterly lame.

Music and Food

Cody gave me more music the other week. There is stuff like Kiss, and The Hives. the kind I would expect. He went through his music giving me random songs from some bands like U2 and Def Leppard.

Today I listened to one: "Higher and Higher" (Jackie Wilson). It's different from the usual punk and such Cody gives me, but I like it. I would have to say my favorites from these recent imports are: "T.H.E.H.I.V.E.S" (The Hives) "Amy's song" (Switchfoot) "Point/Counterpoint" (Streetlight Manifesto) and all of the Suburban Legends.

I swear I am in love with the suburban legends....... and Specials. I would marry ska.

The past two days I have eaten nothing containing nutritional value. I mean it. absolutely nothing. My mom sent me easter candy, and Cherene bought me those powder hostess donuts yesterday.

I think I am over-exercising my farcical college freedom. I know better, I know what good nutrition calls for. so it's a bit like an up-yours to... I don't even know. I feel self-empowered, and I will continue to feel so until I attempt to go on a run. Which I shall put off, I think. Mom would be so ashamed of me. Dad would be proud of the Kichi Metabolism working its magic. Swear, haven't gained a pound in the past 8 months. My Katchy seesters are JEALOUS!!!

I miss my nephews(and niece). "Back to California" (sugarcult) yes, yes, just a month until home. I don't know if I am excited or not. Christmas break started to get old, fast, and that was a mere 2 weeks.

4 months is a completely different story. Especially since I have to find a creative way to make 4000 dollars in that time frame.

Kelley pretends the end of the semester won't come. Provo feels like the best home I've had in a while, and I don't know how I feel about losing the majority of my friends. At the moment, however, I am happy, for what is the point of being depressed about next year right now? There will be plenty of time for that... next year!

"Hate to say I told you so" (the hives) I passed my chem 107 exam and my bio midterm this week. I seem to be incapable of earning an A in anything other than book of mormon. Which, at least, means I'm not failing church... "Doesn't remind me" (audioslave) ..[sorry, i have iTunes on shuffle] Every day, it feels like déjà vu . Constant 'i swear i've done this before' moments...especially now that it's getting warm again.

"But not Tonight" (depeche mode) I am extremely excited to see MUSE. I can't contain it sometimes. Today, my ASL professor cancelled class for April 5. It's like the whole universe is chipping in to my greatest dream being fulfilled. I just want to do 12000 sit-ups and dance to 80's music.

Today I went tutoring and I was assigned to this girl learning fractions. I felt like a hopeless failure, mostly because this 3rd/4th grader had trouble subtracting 4 from 2. How do you teach Lowest Common Denominators to a girl who can't multiply? Or divide a box into 4 equal sections? I didn't want to be condescending. "I just can't get enough" (depeche mode) Or make her feel stupid, but she's just one of those kids who are making it through the system without learning anything. I wanted to spend days catching her up to the kids younger than her who can do this stuff no sweat. I felt terrible. Everyone else was done tutoring their kids and it was past 8pm. I left her up to another lady and I left. I don't know if I'll go back, I don't feel like I can really help kids learn. I'd be a real crap teacher.

"Photograph" (weezer) i want it. can i have it? are girls allowed to chase a guy and convince him that he's into her? no!! no! no? no...? I have messed up all past "relationships" I have ever "had" .. yikes, i mean REALLY messed up. Always completely my fault. "healthy body" (operation ivy) Is it fair to willfully subject a man to my ugliness? The past two times I can at least partly say the boys deserved it. One should not pursue a cold-hearted ***** like yours truly. I do feel bad. I probably always will feel bad about what happened between me and them. But to the matter at hand, would things work out better if I had some sort of say in who was interested in me? "interlude" (attack! attack!) if so, how does a girl go about that? all the on-line advice says not to try it. hahahahahha. disheartening.

Public Display of Gag-me-with a spoon

I spend a lot of time thinking of what my first kiss will be like.

Well I guess I can't really have a 'first kiss' anymore, considering the fact I may have accidentally made out with Adam back in December. Before then, I kissed some kid named Edward one day in high school, but it was more like a peck on the lips than a kiss. I always thought my first kiss would be with someone I actually liked, but it turned out to be with someone whose last name I didn't even know and never talked to again.
I always thought it would be a sweet, short, kiss that meant something. BAH
If you've ever seen Never Been Kissed, Drew Barrymore-girl talks about what a 'real' first kiss is. And I'm pretty sure I'll never get to experience something like that. I tend to latch on for lengthy periods of time to boys who couldn't care less about me.

Then I rebound and go off on guys like Adam, and always regret it. (if you can say 'always' about one incident). Boys probably don't have that problem. Girls stretch out infatuation, whereas boys go around with a butcher's knife chopping out millions of crushes. Girls::Gum Boys::Celery.
Well THAT doesn't make any sense, because of course there are those boys who fall head over heels over head for some girl-next-door. Like spiderman.

(On a side-note, the Trelley lightswitch relationship has been flipped on again)

What I mean to complain about is the fact that I tried to go a whole week dropping off the face of the earth. To see if Codes would do anything. And he didn't. and I STILL can't get myself out of this rut. For a couple days I live normally "well hmm let me try and just live without being stupid"
and then by Saturday I was out running and near tears with just wanting to talk to him and not be alone. Sunday I went over to talk to him again. I mean, what's the point? I get NOTHING out of this non-relationship.
No kisses
no 'sweet nothings'
no nothin'

and i'm stuck with Travis and Kel constantly cuddling and embracing. ugh

"enjoy the silence" (depeche mode) and "closer" (nine inch nails) would make a GREAT mix....if you could only speed up closer a little. man i wish i had a mix program or whatever, the possibility is drivin' me crazy.

also, i think someone should make it so chemistry is against church doctrine or something, because it's totally unbearable! I SWEAR IF I HAVE TO DO ONE MORE PROBLEM INVOLVING ENTROPY I WILL JUST LAY DOWN AND DIE. Upon this declaration, I have deduced I will not live past noon on wednesday.

EFFING A' WOULD THEY QUIT MACKING already???