Wallow wallooow

I've suddenly come upon the point. The point is the place where I lose all the stupid obsessive tendencies that accompany the awfulness of 'being twitter pated..' and just shake my head slowly at the idiocy of the past months. It's a sadness where I can't even listen to half the songs on my iPod because they make me think of Cody and I can't believe how I acted. I'm overwhelmed with my foolishness.

I've reached the point a few times in my life, but this time seems worse than all the others. Maybe because I felt closer to him (technically, i DID live closer).. I'm too old to have senseless crushes. I know after reaching the point comes the secret inward miffed wallowing, in which I listen to Nickel Creek and Nine Inch Nails over and over again. Afterwards I'm okay, but then I sometimes tend to feel negative about the person for a while.

I don't really care. The days are blending together, I have plenty of time to get past it.

someday, it'll all turn out

I've decided my last post was utterly disgraceful. I stumbled upon some new photos of a certain adorable gangly blond-man. He's effing cute. Eff.

I turn nineteen in just under a week. I am determined that upon that day, I will suddenly lose all feelings I ever had for that amazing guy. Somehow, it will happen, and I will live out the rest of the summer daydreaming about some faceless RM that I am certain to meet the MOMENT I arrive at my new apartment. And this new RM will be even cuter and even more chivalrous and will (is it possible?) like ska MORE and and YEAH. so there!

"I'm gonna find another you" (John Mayer)

okay. unhealthy goal. I will daydream about Brad Jackson instead, who is only five months younger than I, and in a two-andahalf years, he will be the nicest hot guy in the world and he'll totally propose to me the second he gets back.

um well I'm gonna go to Washington on August 17 to be with Kelley!!! and we're gonna ROADTRIP back to Provo a week later! woo!! The only problem is the whole Adam is her next door neighbor thing. I want to apologise to him...but... I don't know what to say. I want him to somehow know that I didn't mean for all that crap to happen. Everything just... happened ..

goin' crazy with my thoughts. I have to take out another student loan and it sucks. I can see this being the reason why so many girls actually get married so quickly. As much as I joke around, I really don't want to get married yet! IM NOT EVEN THROUGH MY TEENAGE YEARS! yeesh. I know too many girls who are getting married way too young.

(cries)

scary daysss

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww he's so freaking cute i just wanna kiss his cheek and hug him till he asphyxiates in happiness awwwwwwww

no one else home

music blasting

me dancing

so it's kinda like being back in wyview

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pN60DR5GQpg&playnext_from=TL&videos=vWmjjsOCaHk

funny thing about life...

I've come to the realization that i am extremely self-centered. almost sociopathic status. i don't know if this has happened since i came home or if i've always been this way.

UGH

i think being home is driving me crazy. i almost punched my sister today before i realized what i was doing. (a reflex from hanging out with boys) . i need to go running. i need to GET 'WAY. I NEED TO KICK-BOX A SHARK!!!! I need to effing get eaten by a shark. what do i contribute to the world? all i do is read and reorganize my room ALL DAY. I miss being in Provo, where i could go through with that punch. Oh, Max-a-million, where are you when i need you, lovey-bunches? (HAHAHA)

in my dream world, everything is influenced by my anxiety over life/school/money/family. in my dreams, everything is a rush, it's a stressful flurry of making it to class on time, sorting out my major, wondering where my brother is, needing to get back to provo. when i wake up, i just gasp for air and for the minutes/hours it takes to slip away, i hide under my covers. i know this break is supposed to be ~relaxing~ or some bs like that, but all i do is worry about money, worry about what im supposed to be, hole up in my room and count down the days until i can go back to college.

jason and brent used to be my best friends. now i hate spending time with them. they can't leave soon enough when they come over. i know i'm being petty and antisocial. i want to be alone, self-absorbed and thinking too much. i think i think im better than them. why else would i think even being alone is better than being with them?

it's like ..(maybe a nice Diablo II or WOW ref..?) well, when i was in high school i struggled and was stuck at level 1 for the longest time. and then these kids came by who were level 5 and they helped me get on my feet and up to level 4 by the time i went off to college. by then i was up and running and worked and excelled and popped up to level 45. I come back home and realize my friends have only made it to level 7 in the same amount of time. I realize they are n00bs. They were never as cool as I thought, but I couldn't see it from my previous vantage point.

So now, in the purgatory between winter term and fall term, I have two choices: train with Level 7 noobs, or train on my own. And training beneath my 'level' is... boring.

does that make me stuck up? :( being with them is boring. i have nothing to gain from being with them. at most, i get made fun of and criticized for being mormon. i think i've said this before..

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT IM SAYING! I NEVER KNOW WHAT IM SAYING!" -River Tam

I'm going crazy. I miss my level 70 friends. I had goodness to strive for. If left to my own devices tomorrow, I'll start scrapbooking.

YOU THINK IM KIDDING? I'LL DO IT I SWEAR I WILL!!!!!!

fudgesickles and cream sauce

i'm talking to cody right now online

i can't stop myself from saying stupid things

chibi's crown, i'm a wreck

life in my room

i am a sugar junkie. i need help.

apply this also to sci-fi shows such as firefly.

and reading books.

and staying home all day.

i need job. why is no place hiring????

t'aime longtemps

Okay, I've decided to start up this comic I made when I was 16 and a social pariah. mostly because I can't sleep proper anymore and... well, I've become an outcast loser-type again. So hopefully this will help kill time.

I love the Mad Caddies. love you long time baha

i like to dance as long as no one can see me :) i used to dance in my apartment regardless of who was there, but more and more i come to realize, home is NOT college. no no no.

Listening to Ska too loudly

"Drinking for Eleven" (Mad Caddies)
Do you know those photos where everyone is smiling and making faces, and there's one person who's looking somewhere else with a slightly serious expression?

Sometimes...I wonder what they're thinking of.

I wonder what's holding Dan back from going on a mission. I know why Jonny turned to alcohol. and I know why Dorene keeps falling. I know why mom's so sad. I know why Anne left the church. And Lily. And Kathy. And Frankie. And Dee. Sometimes I wonder how on earth I got to be different from them. How am I still here when all the people I looked up to left? Sometimes it makes me feel the biggest sort of empty. How can someone so small and weak as me be the only one left? How can I protect Alice when it seems everyone finds such small reasons to go? Sigh

Ugh. I don't like being home. I've gone to many places and it's always the same "no we are not hiring, in fact we are laying people off." Oh joy. And dad is convinced that it's actually possible for me to find a job and that im not trying hard enough. trying harder would involve weapons and threats, and that is no way of obtaining a steady job.

Most days I end up at the empty beach watching a few wind surfers hopping around on the water. Over and over in my head wondering all sorts of things. And trying to not get knocked out by their giant kites when they come to close to shore.

7 sides of lame

Oh, I miss everything about you! Your stupid music, your awful dancing, all the times we talked, all the walks we walked, your green eyes, how you were too tall, how you smiled, how you rolled your eyes...

"I just haven't met you yet" (Michael Bu-blahhh)

on occasion i wonder how many chocolate chip cookies i can actually eat. I made so many yesterday and they are all gone. 50% were consumed by me, if not more. I'm not very ashamed, because who is there to impress? who on earth cares?

"home" (Michael Blue-Blay)

Stuck on my little island, wanting nothing more than escape into my room. please, jason and brent, you can be my friends but i don't want to spend every hour with you. just because i don't. It's fun while it lasts. Apparently Eve hates me, small potatoes, who cares? I graduated high school for a reason.

"Save The Last Dance For Me" (Michael Bublé)

obviously there is something wrong with me, since im on a bubbleh fix.

i've a heavy heart.

I'm tired of good-weather california. i miss crappy provo. i want to go back home. home isn't home anymore. i don't care whose feelings it would hurt if they were to read this (pah, no one will read this.. funny how secret being open can be), I don't like being back home. I feel trapped. a heptagon in a world filled with squares

bored, alone, stupid stupid stupid.

13 days in a paradise wasteland

Rel 122: A

Bio 100: A-

Chem 107: B+

ASL 100: B

Chem 106: B-

StDev 239: P

Good work, Sanichan, bon marche.

Karate Kid is the best.

Living in a world estranged from Brent, Chess, Jason, and Eve is actually not SO bad.

Maybe a linguistics major isn't the best way to go. Absolutely no one I talk to thinks it is any sort of good idea. Apparently having interest in your classes isn't a must for anyone. I mean, LOOK at my grades! crap crap crap all over the place! It's cause I constantly cut class, perpetually BS-ed all my homework, and occasionally studied. Maybe if I GAVE A SH[ower curtain] about the material, I would try at all.

This is how I feel. OF COURSE THE ONLY THING INTERESTING IS A USELESS MAJOR. OF COURSE. even an english major has more to talk about than a linguist. and NOBODY likes english majors.

How will I ever get married like a good girl if the only thing I can do is speak spanish, french, and japanese, while intermittently spewing forth latin roots? Gonna catch me one of those freaky RMs.

I miss Kelley. And Nat. And Cody. And Jane. And David. And Lloyd. And Jess. And Max. And Ty. And the other David. And Jack. And Taylor. And Ary. And Sarah. And the other Sarah. And even Travis. and you know it's bad when you start missing your roommate's ex-boyfriend. That means you REALLY miss EVERYONE.

one too many sides

sticking to my previously-established persona, i find myself once again being a cold-hearted ____.

it's like as soon as i come home, Jason constantly wants to hang out. like all the time, and back in the day, this would have thrilled me. but after our first hanging-out of the summer, i found i don't really enjoy spending time with him. maybe i was still culture-shocking from Provo, i tell myself that.

but today, i legitimately avoided him. and i feel terrible. Jase isn't usually a clingy kid, or.. he didn't used to be. i really am not sure what's up. i know he just broke up with his long-time girlfriend and i should be there to like help him feel better. but always, all he wants to do is:
(1)smoke hookah at some bar
(2) get drunk at some party or
(3) play video games on his computer.

like, really? i would MUCH rather stay home and read.

as for hanging out with brent and eve & watching them kiss, i would MUCH rather stay home and chill it with some book..

what is wrong with me? it's like i am purposely cutting myself off from legit friends? i know Kelley is lonely up there in Washington, and i feel selfish and unwontedly blessed with friends. antisocial behavior from the one and only sanikichi.

in all honesty, i've a hunch that it is the same reflex i get in these situations. like with Adam. i kissed Adam and then he was so- i don't know- INTO me that i lost all interest. it's only when i don't have something that i want it, right? the typical human predicament.
i want... to be alone.

i want to just revel in mundane-ness. to relive in my mind all the good times i had at college. i don't want MORE adventures because i feel like i've already had enough excitement to last me a while. i've met people who redefined my definition of 'friendship'. and my old friends.... don't cut it.

Jase makes cracks towards mormons and i shrug them off good-naturedly (even though it gets really annoying cause he does it all the time). Brent and Jase both swear all the time, drink, and party. i feel like a stick-in-mud mormon. I liked my friends who were members because i didnt have to worry about what i said. I knew that i wouldn't be constantly challenged about stuff i really care about or made fun of. coming back home, i feel like all my friends here just don't understand this huge part of me.

when i mention that my parents wouldn't like me staying out late, driving to far-off cities, etc. (when in actuality they don't care, it's a lame excuse for ME just wanting to be able to go home sooner)... brent and jase always go "well aren't you 18 now? haven't you lived on your own all these months?" . passive-aggressive me.

again. i feel like a heptagon in a hexagon world.