grades before finals

Isa304: 87%

J101: 88%

Ling330: 93.21%

D&C 324: 93.88%

Fren102: 84% ?

this semester was kind of horribly boring

huhm

Today I saw a photo of Jason and I got this odd feeling. "He used to be my best friend" kind of feeling. And now I don't feel a thing. I could die and he wouldn't know. I could never talk to him again, and it wouldn't matter. It's such an odd feeling for one to be so detached from one's past life. It's kind of like everything that happened before I came to BYU wasn't real. It's weird to say that none of my old friends mean a thing to me anymore. To think that all those faces in the yearbook were ones I never wanted to forget. It's a whole other world.............

It's definitely not a sad feeling in the slightest. Just weird to know that if I were to see him tomorrow, Jace would expect me to stop and talk to him and catch up. But I would walk right on by, I think.

I've reached a point in my life in which I am no longer interested in pretending. That's why I cut out on Thanksgiving dinner today. If I know I'm going to be put into a situation where everything spouting out of my mouth will be generic lies about my major and future plans, I may as well not go. Because I won't contribute anything. Only a whole world of fakeness.

How weak all our links are. Such fading after only a year.

meh

One day, I was writing out my numbers, and my stupid brother was all

"You're doing it wrong. That's a g. Everyone will make fun of you "

me: "It's a freaking 9 you imbecile" (I probably said NU-UHHH)
he was all: "You write a 9 like this" (writes a nine that looks like a backwards P)

me: "That's a backwards P. You're stupid. I think I know what a 9 is."

Man was I pissed when I got to kindergarten and he was totally right.

PEANUT BUTTAH!!

18oz obtained with 2 bucks!

Apparently Jeff is waiting for a sister missionary??.............. (I've given up on this ward)

There are plenty of friendly cute guys in my classes...

but I have about as much chance with any of these guys as I do with Christian Bale..

Amelie soundtrack is on repeat currently. It's begun to get cold. Cleaning check today. Jack's coming to Provo today. Going to the game with Cody and Kelley tomorrow.. He and Molly are either "very good friends" or they didn't actually break up like he said they did.. >__>

Upper B's and Low A's in all classes.

i am still hungry

Isa304: 90%

J101: 86%

Ling330: 92%

D&C 324: 89%

Fren102: .002% ?

......................oh well.

[Exit Scene] : Cody.

[Enter Scene]: apathy

[Enter Scene] : Jeff. Blond, quiet sweet friendly smile. Blue eyes, spiky blond hair, about 5'10".

Favorite Ice Cream: Mint Cookies n' Cream in a waffle cone, speaks Spanish.

Difficulty in assembling emotions concerning men. Happiness towards this fact. I guess.

Would not mind relationship with Jeff. If it were to ever happen. Haha.. I'd like that.

I'm really hungry right now

As I know, last year I lost 7 pounds at college when I didn't think that was possible. Do YOU want to know how you can lose weight you don't have? Just follow these simple guidelines.

Step 1: Be very poor

Step 2: Buy 20 Ramen packets ($2!), that giant bag of cap'n crunch knockoffs on sale ($2!)

Step 3: This is your only food for the next month! yay!

It's actually not that bad, because I really like cap'n crunch, and I also drink a lot of water so I don't feel THAT hungry. And sometimes I can get free food at ward functions. Like cookies and potato chips.

I'm going to have osteoporosis when I get old

So will you

In other news, Cody (alias: Alex Skaarsgard) was seen holding hands with Molly (alias: gwyneth paltrow)

Take that, Me!

exclamation

I.................................................................................................... uh..............................

I just need to get back to school ASAP. Being in Washington, seeing Adam all the time... is making me insane. At least in Provo, I understand that I like Cody.

As if boys are the only important matter.

MY LOAN IS NOT GOING THROUGH AND IT NEEDS TO SOOOOOOOOOOOOOON..!!

Dear Self:

Take a hint? STOP STALKING??????? get a life! DO something! stop obsessing! you're weird!

you're negative! WAY TOO NEGATIVE! STOP BEING NEGATIVE DAMMIT!

-Nicole

Happy August

Hello world! Now I'm in Washington with Kelley and it's AWESOME. Her friends are pretty cool. I've even spent some time with Adam, and everything is okay between us now, as long as we're in a group of people. SO much better than being at home & I can't wait to get back to BYU.

It's official- Cody and I are going to the KISS concert in September!! Who's juiced? ME!!!

awesome mcFAWESOME

I'm really excited for all my classes. Funny how I don't care much for how my new ward will be, since I've already got a good amount of friends from last year... I suppose I'll make new friends :)

codes

let's skip over the provo trip and just leave it as : IT WAS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!! seeing Cody again, [even if it was only for a couple of hours] was basically the best thing ever (: not to mention i got to see Jack, Jane, Bradd, Mike, and Lloyd too!!

anyway, code name cody's birthday is in a week. The past 5 days I've been working on his present, that is, a shirt, a mix CD and a candy bar.
I had to deal with things such as: shopping for men's clothing, having to start over when the ink faded out, obsessing over song transitions, running into loose dogs and ex-boyfriends, and eating too many cookies. I hope he appreciates it.. :/

wanna see?

BEFORE AFTER!

yay!!

Turns out using myself as a model for designing on a guy's shirt is EXTREMELY difficult. (...chest issues..) Especially if the boy who you are making it for is a foot taller than you and genuinely underweight.

It's hard to know how big to make the logo when you're not sure if the shirt will just fall off of him!

suckage, bu-uddy!

So another complaint of old friends. Been putting of meeting with Damian, mostly because I used to have a bit of a crush on him. So I went over to his house with Brent and it was soon apparent that well.........another "i just don't enjoy spending time with you."

I tried really hard. But it's another LONG rambling conversation in which nobody realizes when I am joking and Damian makes lame jokes and laughs at them when no one else will....... It's funny how people can be having an okay time when I am dying to get away. The conversation feels strained to me and I'm putting on an act of ''quirkily shy but dynamic nicole." I start playing with words and manipulating the conversation and purposely interrupting Damian so he'll forget what he was talking about... and even THAT stops being entertaining after a while. So I make up a lame excuse and book it, dragging Brent along with me.

See, the FRUSTRATING part is that Brent and I can have a blast of a time, just us together, but EVE hates us hanging out one-on-one. Which sucks, because there really is none of that romantic tension or anything like that. So the one person I can have fun with, I have to always be accompanied by a third person to appease l'Eve. The third person is almost always Jason or someone LIKE Jason, who drowns out Brent and I have to listen to them go on and on and on and on and on. So boring.

so this is why i SO MUCH prefer my own room. because there's no one to talk to. I long for someone I can talk to, who will get my jokes, and make me laugh a REAL laugh, smile a REAL smile.....................................................................................................

and ALWAYS always always, out of nowhere someone ALWAYS brings up

"you know that one facebook profile picture of you hugging that guy"

THAT guy will forever haunt me, apparently. i always hope and pray they are talking about the picture of me hugging a snowman I made.

me: huh? me and the snowman?

person: WTF?? noooo the guy who is WAY so happy

me: you know, almost every one of my photos has a happy person in it

person: The blond guy, the one who is smiling and looks way ****ing happy, you know?

me: oh

I mean, it's thrilling to again and again wish Cody had left his dumb camera at home, leaving no evidence the concert ever occurred. Because I am soooooo sick of explaining it really isn't your business whether or not I like/liked him. And no he wasn't my boyfriend but he could have been but he most definitely wasn't. I kind of go into an EFF YOU CODY phase whenever people like Damian or Eve bring up THAT guy.

Even though I would pretty much kill something to be able to converse with him again, because no one here compares with him.

EFF. THIS SUCKS

Acoustique!!

I've come to a healthier point of this crush. It is just a crush. No twitterpating, not much besides I like Cody. Obviously I've tried to not like him, and failed. So why not just simply crush on him until I meet someone new? I won't meet somebody new until August.

Why not quietly rock out to Airborne Toxic Event and Nickel Creek? Je suis laissing it l'acoustique.

Franglish mmmmmmmmmmmHMmmm!

Currently my comment on Mormon Bachelor Pad is being held up on their side bar. Heck yes, Nicole is finally becoming famous.

:P

another nightmare.. worse than usual

Wallow wallooow

I've suddenly come upon the point. The point is the place where I lose all the stupid obsessive tendencies that accompany the awfulness of 'being twitter pated..' and just shake my head slowly at the idiocy of the past months. It's a sadness where I can't even listen to half the songs on my iPod because they make me think of Cody and I can't believe how I acted. I'm overwhelmed with my foolishness.

I've reached the point a few times in my life, but this time seems worse than all the others. Maybe because I felt closer to him (technically, i DID live closer).. I'm too old to have senseless crushes. I know after reaching the point comes the secret inward miffed wallowing, in which I listen to Nickel Creek and Nine Inch Nails over and over again. Afterwards I'm okay, but then I sometimes tend to feel negative about the person for a while.

I don't really care. The days are blending together, I have plenty of time to get past it.

someday, it'll all turn out

I've decided my last post was utterly disgraceful. I stumbled upon some new photos of a certain adorable gangly blond-man. He's effing cute. Eff.

I turn nineteen in just under a week. I am determined that upon that day, I will suddenly lose all feelings I ever had for that amazing guy. Somehow, it will happen, and I will live out the rest of the summer daydreaming about some faceless RM that I am certain to meet the MOMENT I arrive at my new apartment. And this new RM will be even cuter and even more chivalrous and will (is it possible?) like ska MORE and and YEAH. so there!

"I'm gonna find another you" (John Mayer)

okay. unhealthy goal. I will daydream about Brad Jackson instead, who is only five months younger than I, and in a two-andahalf years, he will be the nicest hot guy in the world and he'll totally propose to me the second he gets back.

um well I'm gonna go to Washington on August 17 to be with Kelley!!! and we're gonna ROADTRIP back to Provo a week later! woo!! The only problem is the whole Adam is her next door neighbor thing. I want to apologise to him...but... I don't know what to say. I want him to somehow know that I didn't mean for all that crap to happen. Everything just... happened ..

goin' crazy with my thoughts. I have to take out another student loan and it sucks. I can see this being the reason why so many girls actually get married so quickly. As much as I joke around, I really don't want to get married yet! IM NOT EVEN THROUGH MY TEENAGE YEARS! yeesh. I know too many girls who are getting married way too young.

(cries)

scary daysss

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww he's so freaking cute i just wanna kiss his cheek and hug him till he asphyxiates in happiness awwwwwwww

no one else home

music blasting

me dancing

so it's kinda like being back in wyview

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pN60DR5GQpg&playnext_from=TL&videos=vWmjjsOCaHk

funny thing about life...

I've come to the realization that i am extremely self-centered. almost sociopathic status. i don't know if this has happened since i came home or if i've always been this way.

UGH

i think being home is driving me crazy. i almost punched my sister today before i realized what i was doing. (a reflex from hanging out with boys) . i need to go running. i need to GET 'WAY. I NEED TO KICK-BOX A SHARK!!!! I need to effing get eaten by a shark. what do i contribute to the world? all i do is read and reorganize my room ALL DAY. I miss being in Provo, where i could go through with that punch. Oh, Max-a-million, where are you when i need you, lovey-bunches? (HAHAHA)

in my dream world, everything is influenced by my anxiety over life/school/money/family. in my dreams, everything is a rush, it's a stressful flurry of making it to class on time, sorting out my major, wondering where my brother is, needing to get back to provo. when i wake up, i just gasp for air and for the minutes/hours it takes to slip away, i hide under my covers. i know this break is supposed to be ~relaxing~ or some bs like that, but all i do is worry about money, worry about what im supposed to be, hole up in my room and count down the days until i can go back to college.

jason and brent used to be my best friends. now i hate spending time with them. they can't leave soon enough when they come over. i know i'm being petty and antisocial. i want to be alone, self-absorbed and thinking too much. i think i think im better than them. why else would i think even being alone is better than being with them?

it's like ..(maybe a nice Diablo II or WOW ref..?) well, when i was in high school i struggled and was stuck at level 1 for the longest time. and then these kids came by who were level 5 and they helped me get on my feet and up to level 4 by the time i went off to college. by then i was up and running and worked and excelled and popped up to level 45. I come back home and realize my friends have only made it to level 7 in the same amount of time. I realize they are n00bs. They were never as cool as I thought, but I couldn't see it from my previous vantage point.

So now, in the purgatory between winter term and fall term, I have two choices: train with Level 7 noobs, or train on my own. And training beneath my 'level' is... boring.

does that make me stuck up? :( being with them is boring. i have nothing to gain from being with them. at most, i get made fun of and criticized for being mormon. i think i've said this before..

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT IM SAYING! I NEVER KNOW WHAT IM SAYING!" -River Tam

I'm going crazy. I miss my level 70 friends. I had goodness to strive for. If left to my own devices tomorrow, I'll start scrapbooking.

YOU THINK IM KIDDING? I'LL DO IT I SWEAR I WILL!!!!!!

fudgesickles and cream sauce

i'm talking to cody right now online

i can't stop myself from saying stupid things

chibi's crown, i'm a wreck

life in my room

i am a sugar junkie. i need help.

apply this also to sci-fi shows such as firefly.

and reading books.

and staying home all day.

i need job. why is no place hiring????

t'aime longtemps

Okay, I've decided to start up this comic I made when I was 16 and a social pariah. mostly because I can't sleep proper anymore and... well, I've become an outcast loser-type again. So hopefully this will help kill time.

I love the Mad Caddies. love you long time baha

i like to dance as long as no one can see me :) i used to dance in my apartment regardless of who was there, but more and more i come to realize, home is NOT college. no no no.

Listening to Ska too loudly

"Drinking for Eleven" (Mad Caddies)
Do you know those photos where everyone is smiling and making faces, and there's one person who's looking somewhere else with a slightly serious expression?

Sometimes...I wonder what they're thinking of.

I wonder what's holding Dan back from going on a mission. I know why Jonny turned to alcohol. and I know why Dorene keeps falling. I know why mom's so sad. I know why Anne left the church. And Lily. And Kathy. And Frankie. And Dee. Sometimes I wonder how on earth I got to be different from them. How am I still here when all the people I looked up to left? Sometimes it makes me feel the biggest sort of empty. How can someone so small and weak as me be the only one left? How can I protect Alice when it seems everyone finds such small reasons to go? Sigh

Ugh. I don't like being home. I've gone to many places and it's always the same "no we are not hiring, in fact we are laying people off." Oh joy. And dad is convinced that it's actually possible for me to find a job and that im not trying hard enough. trying harder would involve weapons and threats, and that is no way of obtaining a steady job.

Most days I end up at the empty beach watching a few wind surfers hopping around on the water. Over and over in my head wondering all sorts of things. And trying to not get knocked out by their giant kites when they come to close to shore.

7 sides of lame

Oh, I miss everything about you! Your stupid music, your awful dancing, all the times we talked, all the walks we walked, your green eyes, how you were too tall, how you smiled, how you rolled your eyes...

"I just haven't met you yet" (Michael Bu-blahhh)

on occasion i wonder how many chocolate chip cookies i can actually eat. I made so many yesterday and they are all gone. 50% were consumed by me, if not more. I'm not very ashamed, because who is there to impress? who on earth cares?

"home" (Michael Blue-Blay)

Stuck on my little island, wanting nothing more than escape into my room. please, jason and brent, you can be my friends but i don't want to spend every hour with you. just because i don't. It's fun while it lasts. Apparently Eve hates me, small potatoes, who cares? I graduated high school for a reason.

"Save The Last Dance For Me" (Michael Bublé)

obviously there is something wrong with me, since im on a bubbleh fix.

i've a heavy heart.

I'm tired of good-weather california. i miss crappy provo. i want to go back home. home isn't home anymore. i don't care whose feelings it would hurt if they were to read this (pah, no one will read this.. funny how secret being open can be), I don't like being back home. I feel trapped. a heptagon in a world filled with squares

bored, alone, stupid stupid stupid.

13 days in a paradise wasteland

Rel 122: A

Bio 100: A-

Chem 107: B+

ASL 100: B

Chem 106: B-

StDev 239: P

Good work, Sanichan, bon marche.

Karate Kid is the best.

Living in a world estranged from Brent, Chess, Jason, and Eve is actually not SO bad.

Maybe a linguistics major isn't the best way to go. Absolutely no one I talk to thinks it is any sort of good idea. Apparently having interest in your classes isn't a must for anyone. I mean, LOOK at my grades! crap crap crap all over the place! It's cause I constantly cut class, perpetually BS-ed all my homework, and occasionally studied. Maybe if I GAVE A SH[ower curtain] about the material, I would try at all.

This is how I feel. OF COURSE THE ONLY THING INTERESTING IS A USELESS MAJOR. OF COURSE. even an english major has more to talk about than a linguist. and NOBODY likes english majors.

How will I ever get married like a good girl if the only thing I can do is speak spanish, french, and japanese, while intermittently spewing forth latin roots? Gonna catch me one of those freaky RMs.

I miss Kelley. And Nat. And Cody. And Jane. And David. And Lloyd. And Jess. And Max. And Ty. And the other David. And Jack. And Taylor. And Ary. And Sarah. And the other Sarah. And even Travis. and you know it's bad when you start missing your roommate's ex-boyfriend. That means you REALLY miss EVERYONE.

one too many sides

sticking to my previously-established persona, i find myself once again being a cold-hearted ____.

it's like as soon as i come home, Jason constantly wants to hang out. like all the time, and back in the day, this would have thrilled me. but after our first hanging-out of the summer, i found i don't really enjoy spending time with him. maybe i was still culture-shocking from Provo, i tell myself that.

but today, i legitimately avoided him. and i feel terrible. Jase isn't usually a clingy kid, or.. he didn't used to be. i really am not sure what's up. i know he just broke up with his long-time girlfriend and i should be there to like help him feel better. but always, all he wants to do is:
(1)smoke hookah at some bar
(2) get drunk at some party or
(3) play video games on his computer.

like, really? i would MUCH rather stay home and read.

as for hanging out with brent and eve & watching them kiss, i would MUCH rather stay home and chill it with some book..

what is wrong with me? it's like i am purposely cutting myself off from legit friends? i know Kelley is lonely up there in Washington, and i feel selfish and unwontedly blessed with friends. antisocial behavior from the one and only sanikichi.

in all honesty, i've a hunch that it is the same reflex i get in these situations. like with Adam. i kissed Adam and then he was so- i don't know- INTO me that i lost all interest. it's only when i don't have something that i want it, right? the typical human predicament.
i want... to be alone.

i want to just revel in mundane-ness. to relive in my mind all the good times i had at college. i don't want MORE adventures because i feel like i've already had enough excitement to last me a while. i've met people who redefined my definition of 'friendship'. and my old friends.... don't cut it.

Jase makes cracks towards mormons and i shrug them off good-naturedly (even though it gets really annoying cause he does it all the time). Brent and Jase both swear all the time, drink, and party. i feel like a stick-in-mud mormon. I liked my friends who were members because i didnt have to worry about what i said. I knew that i wouldn't be constantly challenged about stuff i really care about or made fun of. coming back home, i feel like all my friends here just don't understand this huge part of me.

when i mention that my parents wouldn't like me staying out late, driving to far-off cities, etc. (when in actuality they don't care, it's a lame excuse for ME just wanting to be able to go home sooner)... brent and jase always go "well aren't you 18 now? haven't you lived on your own all these months?" . passive-aggressive me.

again. i feel like a heptagon in a hexagon world.

leaving

i know if i was prettier, but the rest of me was the same, he would like me.

if i was only just a bit prettier.

it's so frustrating knowing i did all i could do and it could never be enough.

just inches away and miles from him. miles and miles of stupidity and ugliness.

i go home in 10 hours. my stomach hurts. if he avoids me this last day, too, all i can do is sob.
I've got a feeling he conveniently won't be around.

i go home to a total of 4 friends. two of which aren't close friends.

gonna be lonely as hail.

hungry

sometimes i marvel at what a sick joke life can be.

oh well.

a lot of my friends will be gone by tonight. i'll be here until friday, waiting to go home to where i also don't belong. but i belong slightly better in california, because there i at least know what to expect.

here is just a flurry of cycles and lame.

typical

So you threw yourself at cody yet again, last night, mormon style. classy

pile of vomit

"The Fire" (Papa Roach)
Every time I see him with her, I want to run a mile. When she lays her head on him or touches his shoulder, holds his elbow, a mile, a mile, a mile. I figure that by the end of every night I have a queue of 50 miles and a gallon of tears. I want to run those miles and cry those tears and collapse and fold into a ditch far away, dehydrated and stupid. Smiling is like crying. Laughing is like running. I’m no longer sure that him liking someone other than me is better than him just being "not interested." Him with her means I almost don’t exist. Oh, because dying sounds better than this! Anything sounds better than being me when I am not her!

oh the doodlebanger

Late at night, I find myself quite tired.

grades:
Chem 107: 89.88%

Bio 100: 88%
Chem 106: 76%
RelA122: 96%
Student Development: like 90%
ASL100: Like 0%

I am ashamed. Guess I'm good for nothing, much? finals started today. ughses.
the epitome of low is a recently rejected girl starting to very much miss the person she should not miss to such a degree. Desperation and loneliness is not attractive, sanneee-chan!

UGH. eff sans le copain--- SOUFFLE!
(angry rant)

BUSH the BAND is the BEST. LISTEN TO THEM PLEASE. IT WOULD CAUSE ME GREAT JOY TO KNOW THERE ARE OTHERS WHO ENJOY GRUNGING IN THE GRUNGE.

eff you all!!!! GOSH DANG THE SLEEPNESSLIES

Brand new day

Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-Long Blog. <-- WATCH IT!!! Do you know my 3 favorite movies? bands? tv shows? colors?

only my sister knows that much about me (which is kind of sad, considering that isn't much to know about a person) and much more. I miss my little sister. I think she's the only person I'll enjoy seeing when I come home, besides Thyme, Jase, Brent, Chess, Kels, and Eve. And in all honesty, I won't see much of them. I think I am a lot more popular in college than I ever was in California. I don't want to stay here, but I don't exactly want to go home. ahh effff that! of course I want to go home! Kelley and Cody both get along exceptionally with their little brothers. But Alice and I fight all the time. I always say I'll try harder to get along. Maybe she's matured a bit. Hopefully I have...I hope so, because it seems she'll be my only friend for a while.

oh, i hope nat and kelley and cody write me. I'll go crazy if they don't.

shining

"DREAMIN' " (WEEZER) <--- LISTEN TO IT!!! :] Today was a sunny day. As I walked home I observed my Wyviewical surroundings. There were volleyball games going on with 14 people on each side. Basketball courts with no room to bounce the ball, so filled they were with people.

i sat, thinking. in my apartment....

^ "when is the last time i shaved my legs?" i pondered this question for a short while and decided i didn't care..

"this is how a heart breaks" (rob thomas)

Ever since I've become entirely single, there are a lot of things I've decided i don't care about. It is quite lame. Admittedly freeing, but I miss pining after Cody. Not excessively, but a little bit. "jessie's girl" (rick springfield)

Anyway, i went outside in questionably-lengthed shorts and began studying (rays of sun, soak into my cells!!!) it didn't work well. first of all, i was soon joined by my friends. second, my visiting teachers showed up and taught me a lesson about pioneers and amputated toes. thirdly, since when do i study?

For the talent show, Bradd, Cody, and Travis are planning on doing a skit involving song titles. I am worried. Any two of those boys together present an unmanageable duo. all three at once?? they might take down half the ward with them. -_-;

Natalie is singing something. Kelley is playing the piano. Sharon is singing something ................I don't think i will do anything. (evil laugh)
They also expect us to cry at this closing social, but i think i completed my crying quota for the semester on Sunday night after that DTR thing -yawns-

now my roommates are all dancing to tunak tunak.......better go join them

swear, all my friends are certifiable insane.

sans le copain

"let's be friends" (suburban legends)
.....no sleep....
"hold me" (weezer)

If you are me, you look in the mirror, getting ready and your eyes aren't even puffy. Because you apparently can't even cry correctly anymore. People expect you to be happy! Run to class to take an exam. In your ears, you blast Lit, Weezer, and Badly Drawn Boy because that is what you always do in these situations. And then meet with your friends. And then your other friends.

"I'm gonna be" (the proclaimers)

My very last day of Chem 106! I've decided that ice cream is the only thing that can truly remedy a bad day. Vanilla is reserved for particularly horrible days. At the last moment, I decide to get not just vanilla, but chocolate, too!. I don't even know what chocolate represents....the state of being utterly pathetic?

"Silent Sigh" (Badly Drawn Boy)

I go home and take a nice long shower, and then a nice long nap, and all I dream about is him. and I hate myself for that.

Anyway, right now my whole apartment smells like brownies. I enjoy the smell of them considerably more than i do the taste of them. Unless they are the chocolate chunk kind, in which case they are delicious!

I can't wait to go home. To get away from the festival of lame!

With proper luck, maybe never have to deal with him again.

(and then invites codes over for brownies)

oh, sani-chan

i can't stay mad at him..

Handling

Have you ever just had the urge to cut off all your fingers? I don't mean like really do it, but you just think of all the people you've held hands with and then think of how their fingers touched yours and you don't want those memories anymore? Maybe you don't get it, but that's how I feel. I think back on all the friends I had when I was little, all the little kids I helped cross the street, my cousins, my parents, my siblings, my friends when crying, and the boys who liked me and I didn't like them, and the boys I liked who didn't like me. It's too many people. To count on my fingers all the people, I just want to stick my hands in 50M H2SO4. It feels like they aren't anything special, because when you really think about it, they aren't. 'Don't look back in anger' (oasis)

You can make anything into "nothing". You can make "nothing" into anything. So is it so much to want something to become "something" ? Shouldn't it work both ways? Shouldn't it be possible for just once have things actually be what you think they are!! '

Well on Monday I got to see MUSE in concert! It was pretty much the greatest thing ever, since I got to go with Cody, who always ensures that I will not be the most foolish person there. It's pretty fun to hang out with someone who isn't afraid to show how juiced they are about something. He took tons of photos. He held me. He held my hand. I thought it meant something. of course it didn't... (facepalm)

Have you ever had one of those days where you walk by friends and wave but they don't see you, or you call someone's name and they don't hear you? Yesterday was a bit like that. There were some people like Bradd and Ty who always make a point to say hello, but I kind of felt invisible all day. Kelleymade delicious pizza, and Travis, Bradd, Comb, Cody, and Kenny came to have some.

I must just be feeling emo. I feel emo. "united states of whatever" (some guy)
Like everytime I tried to make conversation, no one would listen to me. I get afraid for other people. I try and make an effort to comment on the mundane side-conversations that get drowned out by the group so people don't feel invisible. It's difficult to upkeep, though.


My mom hasn't talked to me in about a month except for when I call her to ask her something. Whenever the conversation strays to how my life is going, she finds some excuse to almost immediately hang up. And I don't know, I could pretend that it doesn't bother me. But it's gotten to the point where I email her nearly every day this week and I still get no replies. I'm not surprised, this is my family after all. Each time I write, though, I get more outlandish, and even outright ridiculous. I sent her this picture of me and cody where it looks like we're totes together. These photos should pique her interest, concern her, cause her to email me back, write me, call me, anything. I'm tired of lying, in attempts to get her to talk to me. Is it okay for this stuff to cause me to really feel alone and eat too much chocolate?

'fake tales of san francisco' (arctic monkeys)

Maybe I do need to get a real boyfriend.

I need to find somebody who is actually in accordance with my music tastes. I mean, I like other people's music and all, and I really enjoy listening to different things. But there are certain things I particularly like. Muse, for example, and like emo punk. Basically, I listen to utter crap, and I want to find someone who finally won't make fun of what I like. Kat is pretty close, when I think about it. But i can't exactly date a woman.
I think that if I found a guy that I could admit I really don't mind Fallout Boy, he'd go
"that's pretty legit"
and then I'd be like
"The Academy Is... is my second favorite band, I love the academy is.."
him: I LOVE THE ACADEMY IS, IT'S THE SISKY BUSINESS!

me: Incubus is still my 3rd favorite band

him: I don't know, I think Jack Johnson is slightly better than incubus

me: BUT ONLY ON CERTAIN DAYS!!

him: I KNOW, RIGHT??

see, that's my dream come true. But it would be weird, i guess.
Maybe the heart of the matter is....I just don't think Rush is all that amazing.

Muse

I will NEVER cease to be amazed at my ability to get nothing accomplished. Seriously, I came to the apartment for 2 hours and did nothing but take a shower, listen to genesis and muse, and try to figure out whether the dudes who write mormonbachelorpad are old or not. That is shameful. I should have at least pretended to study ASL. Another in-class exam tomorrow and I've been seriously contemplating cutting class today. Shameful. Just like it was shameful of me to listen to the LizzieMcGuire Movie Soundtrack whilst drawing because I was sad about the boy I'm always crazy about. On one end, I'm passing all my classes, on the other, only two of them are with an 'A' .. I've always found it hard to find inspiration in anything other than art or writing. Girls like me end up just married. At like, 19. "the resistance" (muse) I guess that's alright for some people, but I swear half the girls in my freshmen ward are engaged, and each week another one stands up in relief society and describes their fiance's elaborate scheme to get the ring upon their finger. I feel a bit un-mormon in thinking of nothing other than the MUSE concert in 7 days.

"invisible touch" (genesis) I mean, even fantasizing about being married to my man-friend. is utterly outlandish. I drive Kelley, Jane, and Nat to tears with my never-ending supply of nothing stories of suggestive texts or a wink sent to me from my man-friend. I drive myself crazy.

It's starting to get all warm again. And even then, this weather is considered cold back home. I don't want to go to class. I want to sleep on the grass, in the moderate sun, away from all those Obama haters on campus. Codes is the only one here who even vaguely feels the same way about politics as I do. The only reason we aren't exactly in accordance is because I don't really bother to get involved in such matters. Near all the kids here sound like my father and/or rush limbaugh. ugh ugh ugh. sigh sigh. Well that's what you get for being a fence-sitter in a place where only one viewpoint is presented - impatience. At least the bay area had the other kind of 'crazy' which i found easier to take.

Well, i guess i really SHOULD go to class. Oh muse muse muse. I promised colin i wouldn't go back on my word, but yesterday, Michelle (my visiting teacher) came over, saw my new drawing of muse, and freaked out because she LOVES MUSE AND CANT BELIEVE I DO TOO and then was major bummed cause she couldnt afford tickets. I swear, i wanted to take her with me so badly, so i could just stand at the concert and scream for 2 hours, and not feel girlish because [based on her enthusiasm] she would scream much louder. "sober" (muse).. i wish she could go too. Maybe i could give one ticket to each of them and not go myself. ... um but what would be the point, then? IT'S MUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 171 hours... :D :D :D :D :D

save the date!

"win a date" (suburban legends) It's date night tonight and I've got nowhere to go! I may continue working on my MUSE drawing. Nat says I am obsessed, and maybe I am! So excited I've begun to dream about the concert in detail.

"winter wonderland" (tony bennett) Is it okay to listen to Christmas songs in March? It snowed today, but only a little..
that's logan last month---->

Also, why is it always easier to sleep in the middle of the day? I need to move to Spain so I can have a daily siesta and not feel like a slob when I'm always out 2-4pm (give or take an hour)
"I need you" (the wonders)... sometimes being (mostly) single is utterly lame.

Music and Food

Cody gave me more music the other week. There is stuff like Kiss, and The Hives. the kind I would expect. He went through his music giving me random songs from some bands like U2 and Def Leppard.

Today I listened to one: "Higher and Higher" (Jackie Wilson). It's different from the usual punk and such Cody gives me, but I like it. I would have to say my favorites from these recent imports are: "T.H.E.H.I.V.E.S" (The Hives) "Amy's song" (Switchfoot) "Point/Counterpoint" (Streetlight Manifesto) and all of the Suburban Legends.

I swear I am in love with the suburban legends....... and Specials. I would marry ska.

The past two days I have eaten nothing containing nutritional value. I mean it. absolutely nothing. My mom sent me easter candy, and Cherene bought me those powder hostess donuts yesterday.

I think I am over-exercising my farcical college freedom. I know better, I know what good nutrition calls for. so it's a bit like an up-yours to... I don't even know. I feel self-empowered, and I will continue to feel so until I attempt to go on a run. Which I shall put off, I think. Mom would be so ashamed of me. Dad would be proud of the Kichi Metabolism working its magic. Swear, haven't gained a pound in the past 8 months. My Katchy seesters are JEALOUS!!!

I miss my nephews(and niece). "Back to California" (sugarcult) yes, yes, just a month until home. I don't know if I am excited or not. Christmas break started to get old, fast, and that was a mere 2 weeks.

4 months is a completely different story. Especially since I have to find a creative way to make 4000 dollars in that time frame.

Kelley pretends the end of the semester won't come. Provo feels like the best home I've had in a while, and I don't know how I feel about losing the majority of my friends. At the moment, however, I am happy, for what is the point of being depressed about next year right now? There will be plenty of time for that... next year!

"Hate to say I told you so" (the hives) I passed my chem 107 exam and my bio midterm this week. I seem to be incapable of earning an A in anything other than book of mormon. Which, at least, means I'm not failing church... "Doesn't remind me" (audioslave) ..[sorry, i have iTunes on shuffle] Every day, it feels like déjà vu . Constant 'i swear i've done this before' moments...especially now that it's getting warm again.

"But not Tonight" (depeche mode) I am extremely excited to see MUSE. I can't contain it sometimes. Today, my ASL professor cancelled class for April 5. It's like the whole universe is chipping in to my greatest dream being fulfilled. I just want to do 12000 sit-ups and dance to 80's music.

Today I went tutoring and I was assigned to this girl learning fractions. I felt like a hopeless failure, mostly because this 3rd/4th grader had trouble subtracting 4 from 2. How do you teach Lowest Common Denominators to a girl who can't multiply? Or divide a box into 4 equal sections? I didn't want to be condescending. "I just can't get enough" (depeche mode) Or make her feel stupid, but she's just one of those kids who are making it through the system without learning anything. I wanted to spend days catching her up to the kids younger than her who can do this stuff no sweat. I felt terrible. Everyone else was done tutoring their kids and it was past 8pm. I left her up to another lady and I left. I don't know if I'll go back, I don't feel like I can really help kids learn. I'd be a real crap teacher.

"Photograph" (weezer) i want it. can i have it? are girls allowed to chase a guy and convince him that he's into her? no!! no! no? no...? I have messed up all past "relationships" I have ever "had" .. yikes, i mean REALLY messed up. Always completely my fault. "healthy body" (operation ivy) Is it fair to willfully subject a man to my ugliness? The past two times I can at least partly say the boys deserved it. One should not pursue a cold-hearted ***** like yours truly. I do feel bad. I probably always will feel bad about what happened between me and them. But to the matter at hand, would things work out better if I had some sort of say in who was interested in me? "interlude" (attack! attack!) if so, how does a girl go about that? all the on-line advice says not to try it. hahahahahha. disheartening.

Public Display of Gag-me-with a spoon

I spend a lot of time thinking of what my first kiss will be like.

Well I guess I can't really have a 'first kiss' anymore, considering the fact I may have accidentally made out with Adam back in December. Before then, I kissed some kid named Edward one day in high school, but it was more like a peck on the lips than a kiss. I always thought my first kiss would be with someone I actually liked, but it turned out to be with someone whose last name I didn't even know and never talked to again.
I always thought it would be a sweet, short, kiss that meant something. BAH
If you've ever seen Never Been Kissed, Drew Barrymore-girl talks about what a 'real' first kiss is. And I'm pretty sure I'll never get to experience something like that. I tend to latch on for lengthy periods of time to boys who couldn't care less about me.

Then I rebound and go off on guys like Adam, and always regret it. (if you can say 'always' about one incident). Boys probably don't have that problem. Girls stretch out infatuation, whereas boys go around with a butcher's knife chopping out millions of crushes. Girls::Gum Boys::Celery.
Well THAT doesn't make any sense, because of course there are those boys who fall head over heels over head for some girl-next-door. Like spiderman.

(On a side-note, the Trelley lightswitch relationship has been flipped on again)

What I mean to complain about is the fact that I tried to go a whole week dropping off the face of the earth. To see if Codes would do anything. And he didn't. and I STILL can't get myself out of this rut. For a couple days I live normally "well hmm let me try and just live without being stupid"
and then by Saturday I was out running and near tears with just wanting to talk to him and not be alone. Sunday I went over to talk to him again. I mean, what's the point? I get NOTHING out of this non-relationship.
No kisses
no 'sweet nothings'
no nothin'

and i'm stuck with Travis and Kel constantly cuddling and embracing. ugh

"enjoy the silence" (depeche mode) and "closer" (nine inch nails) would make a GREAT mix....if you could only speed up closer a little. man i wish i had a mix program or whatever, the possibility is drivin' me crazy.

also, i think someone should make it so chemistry is against church doctrine or something, because it's totally unbearable! I SWEAR IF I HAVE TO DO ONE MORE PROBLEM INVOLVING ENTROPY I WILL JUST LAY DOWN AND DIE. Upon this declaration, I have deduced I will not live past noon on wednesday.

EFFING A' WOULD THEY QUIT MACKING already???

why don't you!

Oh, fending off the suitors left and right! Adam is somewhat turning into stalker status.

I like to think I exist out of Facebook. I hate facebook messages. I think I deserve some real-life conversation if a guy wants to ask me out. i wish there were some way to burn the internets. There's got to be better things than trying to get my attention, you egotistical, sarcastic, pestering boy.
John Mayer -My Stupid Mouth
My vocal chords keep messing things up. I am a splakestic deaker. I mean, dyslexic speaker. If such a condition exists.

Due to my lack of ~girlish~ skills (such as talking sensically) I have decided to cast off romanticism, and become 'one of the guys.' this is:
a) easily accomplished and
b) less bothersome than liking boys

.....................hmm mission accomplished!.................
i spent the last few nights hanging with Max, Ty, Toby and various others lounging around their appartment.
Doing homework, watching the olympics, other man type things..forget romance, slowly, I'll become a man! :(

Ugh. Last weekend I was somehow roped into a group date in which I had to go with Travis. Yes, my roommates "not-boyfriend."
Kelley asked me to go with him because 'i am much less likely to make a move on him' GOSH JUST MACK THE BOY AND GET BACK WITH HIM ALREADY!

I ran into Cody today and I felt stupid, immature, and small. This is most likely due to the obvious differences in our intelligences, ages, and heights.

He hugged me and had more than just a "how ya doin? bye." conversations before we parted ways... It's frustrating to have feelings for someone who is so effing friendly, but just isn't that into you.

Meh. So tomorrow I'm going on a date with Lloyd, a boy in our ward who I don't exactly have feelings for, but I would DIE to mack him. Just because he's so unattainable and uninterested in getting into a relationship before his mission. Funny, it really is true that a guy who doesn't pay attention to a girl increases in his desirability. with every hint of unadvancement, he becomes more coveted!

It must be some sort of mass psychological disorder, because it is truth that no girl REALLY wants a guy who tries for her. and no guy wants a girl who REALLY tries to get him. All of us lounge around longing for the people who don't want us. sigh sigh sigh.

Like, seriously, I would pay half tuition to make out with lloyd and it's not as if he's even drop-dead good-looking. He's cute in an obscure get-to-know-him kind of way.

would it KILL codes to ask me out again? or kiss me? or um.... buy me flowers and like ask me to be his girlfriend and and and..

inexplicably desirable?

sadly, i have returned to this blog.
funny the problems i face in this seemingly normal world. how on earth did i go from ugly little ball of weirdness to the girl on which 3 boys have crushes? HOW? this would not be so terrible if i had any semblance of romantical feelings to either.. threither.. of them!

i mean, honestly. we are all aware that being asked on a 2nd date signifies interest. Adam AND Spence have both confessed they like me, and Jack is hopelessly obvious about it. I am confused. Adam i would expect this from. He is the NCMO who doesn't understand the non-committal part. I have this innate problem of saying 'yes' when i want to say 'NO.' Therefore I am now going on second dates with both Adam and Jack.

I'll have fun with Jack, but i know i will just be counting down the seconds till the date is over, the whole time I'm with Adam, but pretend to be happy. ugh. WHY CAN'T I BE OPENLY MEAN?

I hang out late into the night with Spence pretty often. I've narrowly sidestepped his attempts to kiss me. He's a real flirt, so i thought fun-flirting back would be safe. not saffffe...
sorry, i seem to be awfully incoherent.

Character profiles:

Adam: 19, Major: Linguistics

Build: Brown hair. On the short side, (but as i may have mentioned, ANYone is taller than me) pretty eyes..
Type: apparently me?
Rating: an even 6 .. he kind of looks like leo decap
Personality: misogynistic and egotistical. annoyingly persistent, as it turns out. cleverly funny if you are in the right mood.

Cody: 21, Major: Pre-Med
Build: Blond, green eyes. Very tall, extremely expressive face. cute smile. Alex Skarsgard to a T
Type: tall beautiful girls. or short beautiful girls. Hispanic/asian/black/white/purple girls. Every girl.
Rating: 7.1
Personality: quite quirky, good music taste, knows just enough about tons of things to have a conversation about anything. Kind of shy.

So, obviously i am hopelessly semi-infatuated with Cody, insomuch that i can hardly see any man besides him.

Kelley and Travis have broken up, a fact that neither of them seem to have acknowledged. Sharon has been in her room for all of this.

Dirty Rotten Liar

I don't know whether I am a good or a bad person at heart. I think that generally, I try to look for good things in other people. Some people it's easier for, like with my roommate Sharon, I don't have to try in order to see the good in her. For example, I was about to walk somewhere pretty far away, and she offered me a ride and wouldn't let me leave until I said okay. She is always smiling and super friendly and not stuck-up in the least. I really wish I could be like that.

I've had trouble having Christlike feelings for this one girl.. She has this voice that sounds as if she is just on the verge of crying and everytime she talks, she shouts so everyone can hear her. She is soooo desperate to be accepted and the center of attention. She will tell the same freaking stories over and over again. You know the kind of person. I continue to try to tolerate her because it is the right thing to do, and I am also terrified that she would kill herself if I decided to shun her. It gets increasingly more difficult to be her friend, though, mostly due to the fact that she copies all my little quirks. For example, I have a (probably annoying) habit of saying "sweet" as in "dude, that's sweet" or "where'd you get that sweet t-shirt?" Suddenly SHE is throwing sweets left and right to the point I become superaware of my word usage and have deleted candy from my vocabulary.

I realize I am ranting, but I have to get out my annoyances somewhere! SHE tries her hardest to predict what I am going to say so she can finish my sentences (and, therefore, feel as if she knows me better than she actually does). As secret revenge, I alter my sentences in order to catch her in this. Example, I say "Well, you know, as they say, let them eat-" She interjects "CAKE!" (everything she says should be in all-caps) and I say "cookies covered in cheese"..
I mean, people had enough trouble understanding me before, but my attempts to remain an individual are hindering my comprehensiveness.

I never asked for a clone, I was reaching out mormon-ly to a person in need of companionship. I regret every moment. I should be shot.

I doubt I'll ever get any readers, but for those of you interested, I am currently located in the JKB, the second-most confusing building after the HFAC. I thought I had it figured out and then got lost on the 3rd floor. -sigh-

Codes, still unaware that I am shunning him, texted me yet again. How will he ever realize I am not talking to him if he keeps contacting me?

SHE was nearly tolerable until lately I've found her hanging onto Cody's every last word. In her words "he's a cool kid" the last time she referred to someone as a "cool kid," I had to pick up her miserable heartbroken soggy pieces and it was unpleasant. IN OTHER WORDS: SHE BE AFTER MY MAN!!!! (even if i am ignoring him due to my pridefullness) Although I find her waxing interest in Codessss unthreatening, I have to add yet another item to the list of bothersome. I try to look for good qualities about her, but I can't find any besides the fact she has clear skin.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEi3AAz60R0

huh.

So, our bathroom sink is clogged yet again. I wonder how often this happens in men's living places. I mean, I am constantly having to clean out drains because they are clogged with disgustingly long hairs and gunk. Man, it's nearly enough to make me shave my head.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, I suppose one thing to talk about is the atrocious eating habits one acquires whilst at college. Of course there is the typical ramen diet, but what becomes acceptable as a meal progressively degrades until you find yourself eating peanut butter on somewhat moldy bread three times a day. I have yet to =quite= reach this point, but I am not far off. Mom would not be proud. Don't hear much from mom anyway, Katherine's mom calls here every now and then, but I think I've been forgotten.

Things haven't been going well between me and Colin. By not well, I mean not talking to each other. I'm fairly certain he has not noticed this fact. The obliviousity of men-types astonishes me. All I know is I am on the verge of NCMO with Spencer, this one preemie I've cuddled with on multiple occasions. Spencer is a mormon man-whore but this whole back and forth with Colin has definetly shaken the line of who I will and will not do. Katherine, among nearly all the freshmen in our ward, disapproves of NCMO. Thus, I do not mention it often, but I think of it constantly. Spencer's lost like 5 more pounds and I do like them thin.

Hello, Hello

How long will this blog last? I forgot it even existed!! Should I even keep writing it? It is people such as myself who have too much free time who create such blogs describing their free time filled with boring un-adventurous acts. Ugh. Anyway, I'm me, and I'll be pretty honest in this blog since no one will ever read it.

I'm a mormon girl attending BYU. To describe myself in brief, I am about 5'4" and nothing special. On a scale 1-10 I'd probably hit a 4.5 .. I acknowledge I am not beautiful by any means, and even pretty is pushing it, although I am not exactly hideous either.
I find such people scales to be nonlinear.
It's like a logarithmic scale, and obtaining a man-type at a certain level gets 10x harder than the level previous.
I have no idea if any of this is making sense.

In any case, making out at BYU is practically the equivalent to having sex. That, I think, would make myself a crushwhore quasi-kissing slut. Not really, but there was a certain incident of which i am not particularly proud.
I really have no idea how I get rated on guy scales. For all I know, I'm lower on the list, or higher. Crap, I'm tired. I keep losing track of what I'm supposed to be saying.

The inhabitants of this Dorm:

Me: 18, Freshman, Major:undeclared
Build: Thin, Short, White
Type: Likes all types of music, and obscure movies, and old-school nintendo games. Tends to attract weedy, nerdy hermit-types who rely on her to make all the first moves. I've NCMO'd a man-friend, but that's about all the play i've gotten.
Personality: Extremely lazy, messy, and variates between being social and being asleep.

Katherine: 18, Freshman, Chemistry Major
Build: Average weight, about 5'7", White
Type: Tends to attract the typical mormon boy stereotype. Surprisingly, there are not too many boys as I would've thought, who fit this cliche. As in, utter sweethearts who practically throw themselves to the ground for honor and chivalry. RMs and preemies alike adore her. She has to fend off suitors with a pool cue.
Personality: Extremely productive, on the clean side of messy, and reticently insane.


Cherene: 18, Freshman, Major: Undecided
Build: Thin side of Average, about 5'5", Pacific Islander/White
Type: RM guys but she's waiting for her missionary so she shuns men.
Personality: Very Friendly, studies a lot

Katherine has herself a boyfriend, one of those preemies who had never kissed a girl before. Trent has never heard of the term "whipped" but I think that is a great way to describe him.

One does not kiss and tell unless one is proud of with whom they macked. I have been given other opportunities for such excursions, but have sidestepped the RMs who have never kissed a girl before. Honestly, it is a wonder how the Mormon race will continue on at this rate. ................i can't believe i just said that...
UGh, this must be utterly boring. I, as previously stated, am a crush whore. However, currently twitterpated (which rarely happens) with a guy in our ward named Colin. I practically fall over myself to spend as much time with him as possible but ~slyly~ take care to not be overbearing. UGhUGH ugh Ugh I fail at blog.

maybe someday something exciting will happen, and then I can be adventurous.