Handling

Have you ever just had the urge to cut off all your fingers? I don't mean like really do it, but you just think of all the people you've held hands with and then think of how their fingers touched yours and you don't want those memories anymore? Maybe you don't get it, but that's how I feel. I think back on all the friends I had when I was little, all the little kids I helped cross the street, my cousins, my parents, my siblings, my friends when crying, and the boys who liked me and I didn't like them, and the boys I liked who didn't like me. It's too many people. To count on my fingers all the people, I just want to stick my hands in 50M H2SO4. It feels like they aren't anything special, because when you really think about it, they aren't. 'Don't look back in anger' (oasis)

You can make anything into "nothing". You can make "nothing" into anything. So is it so much to want something to become "something" ? Shouldn't it work both ways? Shouldn't it be possible for just once have things actually be what you think they are!! '

Well on Monday I got to see MUSE in concert! It was pretty much the greatest thing ever, since I got to go with Cody, who always ensures that I will not be the most foolish person there. It's pretty fun to hang out with someone who isn't afraid to show how juiced they are about something. He took tons of photos. He held me. He held my hand. I thought it meant something. of course it didn't... (facepalm)

Have you ever had one of those days where you walk by friends and wave but they don't see you, or you call someone's name and they don't hear you? Yesterday was a bit like that. There were some people like Bradd and Ty who always make a point to say hello, but I kind of felt invisible all day. Kelleymade delicious pizza, and Travis, Bradd, Comb, Cody, and Kenny came to have some.

I must just be feeling emo. I feel emo. "united states of whatever" (some guy)
Like everytime I tried to make conversation, no one would listen to me. I get afraid for other people. I try and make an effort to comment on the mundane side-conversations that get drowned out by the group so people don't feel invisible. It's difficult to upkeep, though.


My mom hasn't talked to me in about a month except for when I call her to ask her something. Whenever the conversation strays to how my life is going, she finds some excuse to almost immediately hang up. And I don't know, I could pretend that it doesn't bother me. But it's gotten to the point where I email her nearly every day this week and I still get no replies. I'm not surprised, this is my family after all. Each time I write, though, I get more outlandish, and even outright ridiculous. I sent her this picture of me and cody where it looks like we're totes together. These photos should pique her interest, concern her, cause her to email me back, write me, call me, anything. I'm tired of lying, in attempts to get her to talk to me. Is it okay for this stuff to cause me to really feel alone and eat too much chocolate?

'fake tales of san francisco' (arctic monkeys)

Maybe I do need to get a real boyfriend.

I need to find somebody who is actually in accordance with my music tastes. I mean, I like other people's music and all, and I really enjoy listening to different things. But there are certain things I particularly like. Muse, for example, and like emo punk. Basically, I listen to utter crap, and I want to find someone who finally won't make fun of what I like. Kat is pretty close, when I think about it. But i can't exactly date a woman.
I think that if I found a guy that I could admit I really don't mind Fallout Boy, he'd go
"that's pretty legit"
and then I'd be like
"The Academy Is... is my second favorite band, I love the academy is.."
him: I LOVE THE ACADEMY IS, IT'S THE SISKY BUSINESS!

me: Incubus is still my 3rd favorite band

him: I don't know, I think Jack Johnson is slightly better than incubus

me: BUT ONLY ON CERTAIN DAYS!!

him: I KNOW, RIGHT??

see, that's my dream come true. But it would be weird, i guess.
Maybe the heart of the matter is....I just don't think Rush is all that amazing.