one too many sides

sticking to my previously-established persona, i find myself once again being a cold-hearted ____.

it's like as soon as i come home, Jason constantly wants to hang out. like all the time, and back in the day, this would have thrilled me. but after our first hanging-out of the summer, i found i don't really enjoy spending time with him. maybe i was still culture-shocking from Provo, i tell myself that.

but today, i legitimately avoided him. and i feel terrible. Jase isn't usually a clingy kid, or.. he didn't used to be. i really am not sure what's up. i know he just broke up with his long-time girlfriend and i should be there to like help him feel better. but always, all he wants to do is:
(1)smoke hookah at some bar
(2) get drunk at some party or
(3) play video games on his computer.

like, really? i would MUCH rather stay home and read.

as for hanging out with brent and eve & watching them kiss, i would MUCH rather stay home and chill it with some book..

what is wrong with me? it's like i am purposely cutting myself off from legit friends? i know Kelley is lonely up there in Washington, and i feel selfish and unwontedly blessed with friends. antisocial behavior from the one and only sanikichi.

in all honesty, i've a hunch that it is the same reflex i get in these situations. like with Adam. i kissed Adam and then he was so- i don't know- INTO me that i lost all interest. it's only when i don't have something that i want it, right? the typical human predicament.
i want... to be alone.

i want to just revel in mundane-ness. to relive in my mind all the good times i had at college. i don't want MORE adventures because i feel like i've already had enough excitement to last me a while. i've met people who redefined my definition of 'friendship'. and my old friends.... don't cut it.

Jase makes cracks towards mormons and i shrug them off good-naturedly (even though it gets really annoying cause he does it all the time). Brent and Jase both swear all the time, drink, and party. i feel like a stick-in-mud mormon. I liked my friends who were members because i didnt have to worry about what i said. I knew that i wouldn't be constantly challenged about stuff i really care about or made fun of. coming back home, i feel like all my friends here just don't understand this huge part of me.

when i mention that my parents wouldn't like me staying out late, driving to far-off cities, etc. (when in actuality they don't care, it's a lame excuse for ME just wanting to be able to go home sooner)... brent and jase always go "well aren't you 18 now? haven't you lived on your own all these months?" . passive-aggressive me.

again. i feel like a heptagon in a hexagon world.